A lot of people are talking about not comparing themselves to others at the moment and I think this is fantastic. We are all uniquely indivual, in looks, size, iq, fashion sense, fitness level, height, talent, personality traits, emotional and psychological make up!! The list is endless and subcategories even more infinite. Why then are we always so quick to compare ourselves to others? She’s so much prettier than me, she’s slimmer than me, he’s taller than me, his teeth better than mine, they have it all sorted and life is perfect in their world!!! How exactly do we come to these conclusions?? By judging the odd snippet shown on their social media? By watching a ten minute video on YouTube that can’t be fully representative of a whole day/week/month in the life….
These things we are so addicted to are snippets and we have to be very mindful of this. I’m loving the new uprising about sharing your absolute self but we still seem to explain the reasoning behind it because that makes us feel better. I am a very overweight person in fact i’m 5’6” and around 22stones. I am not saying this because I am ashamed and need help to change it. Do I feel overweight and out of place in today’s size zero goals for the perfect woman shared on every magazine?? Yes. Am I ashamed to go out in public showing my bulk? No. I am actually pretty body confident these days!!
I am 37 years old, I have always been chubby/overweight and for a very long time I hated my body and hid under massive baggy jumpers. As a young primary age child I was aware I was chubby and ugly. I’m not aware how and why I came to this conclusion so young but I did get bullied a bit by older kids so maybe it was that. I know my lack of self worth was how I was treated by many, I was the product of an “affair” and growing up in the Salvation Army where this was common knowledge I was both covertly and overtly treated as a ‘bastard’. It was the 1980’s and looking back my mother and I were treated like it was 1840. I actually remember being told ‘to remember who I was and who my mother was’ by one of the leaders there. I think I was around 12 years old at the time. Another thing I remember hearing being said round this time was by 2 girls a few yrs older than me talking about boys and kissing and things, I can’t be 100% sure but I heard them say that she’ll never get a boyfriend or married cos she’s so ugly. I presumed this was aimed at me, I looked up to these girls and this totally crushed me.
At high school I was one of the taller girls and being size 16 and not 6/8 obviously I was a fat target. In hindsight I was fully developed and if I had any make up skills or fashion sense I would have ruled the school. In reality I was unconfident, uncool and totally ridiculed by many. Once a guy in my class even out worms in my pocket, fortunately another classmate told me and took them out for me. I still hate the thought of touching worms to this day. I did find my place eventually at high school and did have many friends and good memories but I always felt loved me a big fat ugly monster compared to all my peers. I always had very low self esteem and low self worth, I have believed that everyone else is better than me and prettier than me for a very long time. I am good at putting a n a mask and being confident funny Kelly, I want to be liked, I strive to be loved. But for most of my life I did this in all the wrong ways!! I accepted being treated however people felt like treating me even though the good times and positive moments were few and far between. I gave up doing things I enjoyed to enjoy what they enjoyed so that they would like me. My friends rang I jumped, no matter what. But there were many times I was left hanging or plain left out and I forgave this and still jumped the next time.
Now I really do love myself, any bullies I have come across in my life are forgiven, those incidents were about them not me?? The voices in my head telling me people are looking at me thinking look at the state of that fat ugly beast, i’ve trained to say they fancy you cos your gorgeous instead!!! I don’t go often to hair salons or beauty salons because I think i’m Too fat and ugly for those beautiful places. I still don’t go to these places it’s something I need to work on because i’ve Been in with friends and never had a bad experience yet! All this retaining your brain to think differently is very difficult but it does work!! You have to put the effort in and to make it fun have a tennis racket or golf club in your head and if you or anyone else says something negative to you give it a whallop!! Simply bat it away. This takes time and patience to achieve, but bear with it wake up each morning have a large glass of water, meditate, pray do a wee yoga session and talk kindly to yourself! Tell yourself you are good, you are strong, you are worthy and kind, not everything will be sunshine and rainbows, but see that breath you just took, see that bird on the fence, hear your cat purring there’s food in the cupboards and a roof over your head!! But most importantly you are beautiful! Live your best life you are in control and there is no comparison 😍😍😘
Kelly-Anne
This is me at 16 years old on the right! The big fat ugly monster that I was 🙄😬
BigScottishMaw 